


Good Morning, Baby Boneheads

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Boneheadcanons, Character Study, Character introduction through exposition, Gen, I feel like I am putting this entire species together and I am okay with that, Monologue, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 11:05:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16157747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: The day Boneheads come out of their vats, they go through an orientation session. Gabby fills in for an indisposed Max to get the new pod up to speed about their new lives on Moon 13.





	Good Morning, Baby Boneheads

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing the OC-tober challenge on Pillowfort.io and my first featured character is my beloved Bonehead. This is supposed to be her character introduction, and I tried to do something more interesting with it than the standard "character walks into room and gets described" intro. I hope this might be useful to anyone else writing a Bonehead story! It's as much about the species as it is about the character.

Oh, hi! Always nice to see a new face around here. Yes, I'm sorry, I know the first thing you hear shouldn't be a stupid joke. Get used to it, though. Dumb jokes are practically currency here. Welcome to orientation. I'm Gabby, this is Moon 13, and you are the newest pod of Boneheads.

No, it's okay, you get to pick your names yourself! I'm Gabby because-- well, I think you'll understand why I'm Gabby by the time this orientation is done. I'm actually filling in for Max here, usually he's the one who greets the new folks when they come out of the vats, but he got... uh... there was a lab accident and he's not up to it today. So here I am! Don't worry, it's actually better for you to have me, cause I'm a Bonehead like you. I'm sure you have tons of questions, but let me give you the spiel first, okay?

So! This is Moon 13. It's a research station on the dark side of the moon-- no, we can't see Earth from here. Depending on your job, you might get to see it! A couple of you are slated to be lunar jockeys, after all. Most of us just stay here and work on things for our evil overlord, Kinga Forrester. She's... kinda terrifying, honestly, my advice is to just stay out of her way. She doesn't really deign to interact with everyday Boneheads. Usually she has her second in command-- that's Max-- do all the liasing between her and us. I actually have to hand deliver a report to her once a week and she barely glances at me. I don't even think she knows my name, she only uses my number.

Oh yeah! We all have numbers. I'm number 142, I'm a pretty early model. You guys are... where'd I write it down... 912 through 918. Yeah, in order, the way you're sitting. This is your pod! Your pod is like... okay, we're all family, but your pod is like your siblings and the rest of us are more like cousins. Every pod is designed for a purpose. My pod does a lot of the technical work on the show. Yeah, the point of Moon 13 is less the research and more the show we're making. It's called Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's kind of great, actually. I mean, we are kind of holding a man and some robots hostage, but that's nothing to do with us and everything to do with the evil overlord. And you guys don't even have to worry about it. Your pod was designed for keeping Moon 13 running in a more functional capacity.

What do I do specifically? Well, if you really want to know... I get to monitor the test subject's mind while he watches terrible movies and makes fun of them, and then figure out what all the brain scans really mean with his behavior. That's my day job, anyways. Off the clock... I'm the closest thing to a therapist on this moon base. If you have a problem you need to talk about, you can always come to me, okay? It's important to me that everyone here is doing as well as they can be. The last thing I want is for anyone to be decommissioned due to malfunctioning.

...Decommissioning, yeah. I should tell you about that. You know those vats you came out of? Well, the way you were put together can be... undone. It almost never happens! Actually, it's only happened once since I was created, but it's... it's kind of my nightmare fuel. It's reserved as punishment for the worst crimes, though. As long as you don't hurt anyone intentionally, you don't have to worry about it. Just... make sure that anyone you touch actually wants you to touch them, okay? That's a big thing here. We're very consent-oriented. It's a very serious matter to not listen to what other people say you're allowed to do with them.

Now, does anyone have any questions? I'm here to answer all of them for you.

...why's my hair red and curly and yours is dark and straight? Well, that's kind of a funny story. We're all genetically engineered, and how you look has a lot to do with the genes that went into you. And you guys got a lot of a very cool and interesting person in you. I mean, I got a lot of a very cool person in me too, but trust me, you're starting from a good place. That's why most of you will be lunar jockeys! You've got a natural aptitude for piloting coded into your genes.

Yeah, I know you're all a lot taller than me. That's all genetics too. Don't rub it in, it's not polite. You're some of the tallest folks on the moon now, so be nice about it or you'll probably get your shins kicked by someone. 

Okay, are you ready to see where you'll be living? Everything you'll need is in your quarters waiting for you already. Come on, follow me. I'll introduce you to anyone we run into on the way. Remember, we're all one big family up here. Everyone's going to love to meet you.


End file.
